Hey, don’t forget to do that thing you’ve been meaning to do. That one thing you’ve been putting off but know you really need or want to do. Do it. Take the first step toward completing it. You’ll feel so much better once you have.
Speaking of doing things you’ve been putting off, let’s talk about reasonable expectations for those of us who have ADHD, particularly those of us who have recently been diagnosed or are actively trying to improve our symptoms.
I think I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, but when I first realized I had ADHD, I was determined to learn everything I could about it. I had finally found the answer to so many questions I’d had throughout my life, and by golly this was going to change my life, I would be sure of it.
And to my credit, I did learn a lot about ADHD in a short amount of time (thank you hyperfocus). I even found an ADHD coach, and I met with her regularly for quite a while, and I tried my darnedest to do my homework, and a lot of it was helpful, for some things.
I started taking medication (wow I could write a whole book about the misconceptions about ADHD meds. Maybe I should? Adding it to the someday/maybe list), and that has also helped, for some things.
But what I’m beginning to wonder is how much I can expect to change now that I have my diagnosis.
Historically, information and knowledge have been my ticket to success in life. I’m a quick study, and if I don’t know how to do something I want to do, I’ll find a way to figure it out. When I decided I wanted to be a writer, I waltzed into an editor’s office and told them I wanted to be a writer. They asked if I could write short articles about local businesses and people, and I said sure, why not. I looked at how they wrote their articles, thought “I can do that,” and I did. I figured it out.
I tend to think this skill is one of the reasons I managed to make it to almost 40 without a diagnosis. I didn’t struggle in school, I didn’t struggle socially, I didn’t struggle in my job. At least not outwardly. Sure, I could never study for a test or budget or keep my house clean or schedule a dentist’s appointment or keep from cracking inappropriate jokes at inopportune times, but those were minor things that I could easily ignore or outsource (sorry Marshall). Sure, life was a little more hectic for me than others’ around me, but whatever, I was having more fun! Who needs all those boring tasks anyway?
Turns out, a mother of three does.
Anyway, I fear I’ve veered off course. What were we talking about? Fixing my ADHD. Right.
So here I was, learning everything I could about ADHD, determined to learn how to master it like I had done with so many other things in life. The only problem I kept running into was the fact that the information I was gathering all pointed to the same answer: You know all those things you’re really bad at and wish you could be better at because it would make your life a lot easier? Yeah, you’re bad at those things because your brain was made to be bad at those things.
Okay, but like, surely there’s something to be done about this, right? Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.
You could try doing a bunch of things that require executive functioning skills, motivation, and consistency. That would actually help a lot.
. . .
. . .
But, we just established the fact that those are the very things I’m bad at.
Oh, right. Have you tried forming habits? Habits are great because they are hard to break.
Yes, actually, I have! I’ve spent my entire life forming habits. Terrible, unproductive habits.
Oh. Well you should really break those.
. . .
. . .
You literally just said habits are hard to break. And we already established the fact that my brain is allergic to doing hard things.
Oh. Right. Well, surely there’s something to be done about this.
This whole conversation started with me saying that very thing to you.
Have you tried amphetamines?
(and scene.)
If random dialogues in the middle of a Substack post don’t resonate with you, let me put it another way: I literally just forgot, in the middle of typing, what I was about to type. And it’s helpful that I can now think to myself, ah, there’s that dang ADHD again, running off with my working memory! But there is no simple way, and perhaps no way at all, to fix my working memory. And even if there were, the very fact that I have ADHD makes it extremely unlikely that I will be able to do the small, daily, consistent, utterly boring, dopamine-void things I would need to do to fix it.
So I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the rest of my life, and the cycle I foresee of always looking for the thing that will fix the symptom of the week, following my brain down every promising rabbit trail thinking—nay, knowing—that this one will be different, this one I will stick with, this one will finally change my brain, once and for all. Until, inevitably, it doesn’t, and it winds up with all the other failed solutions in the giveaway box in the back of my minivan that my husband is always threatening to throw away and I’m always responding that I’m going to take it this week, for real this time.
I know I’m not that far into my diagnosis, so if someone farther down the road has a story of triumph that you would like to share with the class, please, I beg of you, leave your story, along with links to all items that must be purchased in order to achieve such triumph, in the comments. But for now, I’m just trying to figure out the right balance of acceptance and determination to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. While, obviously, also allowing for some sidestepping, as well as some backsliding, and perhaps a leap or two here and there. Maybe a skip? No, too far, Wesley. You’ve gone too far.
xoxo,
Wesley
p.s. who’s ready for some treats?
My current hyperfocus: I’m gonna be honest here, I don’t have a hyperfocus right now. I’m just trying to make it to Christmas like the rest of us. Circle back after the holidays.
Daily dopamine hit: Merry Christmas from people with ADHD to people with ADHD.
Word matters: “There are those who pay someone to listen to their problems, and those who get paid to tell other people their problems.” - David Sedaris, in his Masterclass
Nitpickings: Merriam Webster’s word of the year is, appropriately and depressingly, “polarization.” I much prefer their runner-up, “totality,” which references the total eclipse in April that I had on my calendar for three years and drove my children three hours away to witness. 10/10 recommend, no notes.